Updating you my current life!

Have nothing in mind at this moment but wanna write anyway leuls.

Hi. Feeling so adult lately haha don't know why, hmm maybe because 2016 is coming soooo soon so yes, 22 years of living so urmm okay.

What happened lately? Hospitals, notes, medical textbooks and repeat. Haha, sounds soooo nerdy but well, am trying to be one! Seriously, I always wanted to be that kind of person others would acknowledge as fuyyyoooo nerd-nya that girl hahahaha berangan sangat *tangan ke bahu please*. Nak bajet nerd pun tak mampu sebab memang susah sebenarnya tak tahu lah kenapa but I cannot lah hidup buku study buku study all the time. But I looooveeeee studying, I mean I suka gila moment macam sekarang ni whenever I ada banyak notes to finish and I open few medical websites and medical textbook for the sake of studying the diseases walaaaaa so cool, no? Hahaha. Okay, doakan I jadi nerd macam all those scorers, eh?

Well, my internal medicine rotation is coming to its end :( yesss, as this is my first rotation, I learned soooo many things good and bad throughout this 11 weeks. Things are always getting better by day. Not to mention, my super duper awesome and wallah, very helpful and cheerful and you mention lah all the goods you can expect from these guys ah, so good to have them around, each one of them (we have 17 members in our clinical group). Maybe sebab kitorang the Malaysians pun jenis yang tak pemalu and bising banyak tanya itu ini so diorang pun jadi very mesra very open to talk about anything haha. I never had Arab friends before (lol 2 tahun pre-clinical memang avoid Arabs, really) but never thought it would be this good to know these people weeee hoping sampai 6th year lah stay as one happy group :')

Another good thing is, alhamdulillah my mom is getting sooo much in better state of health. It's been one year surviving the battle, doakan lah semoga all the bad things tu semua dah hilang totally from her body :') Can't wait to get back home and celebrate! Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. Tapi thinking of home, ah homesick makin menjadi jadi since cuti pun tak announce lagi bila (I mean, tak tahu jadi ke tak our batch nak pinda cuti make it longer) hmm. Everyone in the family dah start tanya bila balik, pastu diorang pujuk suruh balik raya huwaaaa, sedihnya Jordan tak macam other countries yang ada 3 months holiday :(

But deep inside, I'm missing my Tokki so badly. Nak nangis je lately kalau teringat. Arwah Tokki left us last Ramadhan 27th and I wasn't there. Sedihnyaaa thinking he is now alone in a world we don't know what's happening to him. Doa je lah mampu, hoping Allah forgives everything he did in past and may he be placed in good place with the solihins, inshaAllah. One thing I feel bad about is that Tokki while he was alive banyak je complain sakit itu ini tapi I time tu tak reti pape pun lagi nak tolong dia, I feel so bad rasa macam helpless nya jadi cucu yang study medicine and sekarang bila masuk clinical doctors ajar all those symptoms baru sedar arwah Tokki dulu ada those penyakit. Sedihnyaaaaa :'( Tokki is the only atuk I have since atuk on Abah's side left us even before I was born. People come and go kan, and semua Allah dah plan. We just have to accept His plans with open heart. I know, and semoga I tak lupa untuk sentiasa doakan arwah Tokki, amiiiinnn.

Rinduuuuunya everyone back home, especially my family. Cepatlah time fliessssss rasa macam lama sangat being away from home (since Form One dah jauh haih) tapi pengorbanan belajar kan, huhuhuhu semoga Allah kira as usaha nak dapat syurga Dia lah, inshaAllah.

Better off now since I have my OSCE in one week time wooo! Okay, may everyone is in good state of health and good mental health juga, jangan stress stress okayyyyy.

Feel the pain.

It's weekend again, finally! Haha. Since the first day in clinical school, weekend is the most fancy thing everyone will be waiting for, aiyooo. So, what is up so far? Well, basically mood and motivation going up and down, alternating, there are days I feel like not going to the hospital, there are also good days I feel so excited to learn medical cases (which, jarang sebenarnya that day really came haha). 

So here one cerita yang setakat ni stuck in my mind juga lah sebab that was one of my struggle kot so far. Hmm, despite the language barrier everyone's been stressing about, I think I have one major problem which is 'kurang perasaan kebersamaan' (what is that even?). Jap, tak ter-come out dengan apa apa perkataan pula sekarang ni -.- but I'll try to get the situation clear now. 

Haritu, I was taking history of a patient together with Daniel and Naimi. We went to the patient with stroke case, so we had to take history from his wife. They are old couple, aged around 70. There was a long story with the aunty, and she mentioned they had no children but I couldn't really grasp what she really meant, either diorang memang decided to not have kids atau diorang ada problem with anything related (my bad sebenarnya sebab tak tanya details). For that part, macam kesian juga lah since diorang pun aging and got no kids to temankan or jaga makan minum diorang but luckily they are highly educated and diorang pun orang kaya, so they depend on maids juga. Then, the history taking came to its end and kitorang greet that aunty with thanks and segala ucapan selamat, tiba tiba aunty tu menangis and we were stunned kejap lah awkward tak tahu nak buat apa. She was crying asking us to pray for her husband, dia cakap sebab kitorang kan macam musafir so doa kitorang diperkenankan and she really wanted her husband to get back to normal life sihat macam biasa. Aaaaa, serious sedih pilu je rasa. But you know what, Maisarah ni boleh lagi terpaku depan aunty tu tak tahu nak buat apa while the aunty tengah sebak menangis mengalir air mata bagai. Sampai Naimi yang kena cakap, 'Mai, tepuk tepuk lah makcik tu.' But still, I tak reti nak pujuk orang nangis huwaaaaa, teruknya rasa, I only patted her lap gitu je, time tu rasa teruk sangat tak mampu nak cakap any words pun hmmmmmmmm harapkan Naimi and Daniel je yang cakap comforting words sikit. Sedih dengan cerita aunty tu sedih juga dengan diri sendiri :( 

Konklusinya, cuba bagitahu Maisarah ni apa nak buat sebenarnya kalau patient or their relatives menangis time tengah ambik history :/ aduhai, banyak lagi lacking communication skill ni, kata nak jadi doctor hmm hmm ke sebab diorang Arabs kot so rasa 'kebersamaan' tu kurang maybe kalau patients Malaysians juga lebih sikit rasa tu, entahlah semoga Maisarah belajar lah ye untuk simpathy and empathy (belajar theory je memang tak cukup pasal perasaan ni).

But above all, clinical life is getting exciting by day alhamdulillah banyak belajar :) Till next time, and all the best semua orang for everything you've been struggling on! 

When you are at your worst

I came across this one quote the other day which says, 'don't make up problems if there are none'. Ouch-ed juga sebenarnya, sebab bila nak reflect balik how many times I mengeluh dan mengadu masalah, sebenarnya there were not really 'prolems'. I was thinking bila sebenarnya my worst time sepanjang hidup yang I feel like my life was really upside down or time yang I rasa my life was a total mess. Oh, actually and alhamdulillah I never experienced any yang besar sangat kot to compare dengan ujian orang lain, tapi this is what I could think of right now, hmm I don't know, maybe to just share and remind myself how I moved on from my darkest time and how I able to do better the next day. So, here we go!

Back in highshool, I wasn't really an excellent student, but since I entered SSP most of the times I was in top 20 out of 180 (approximately) in my batch for every exam. I used to get top 3 and being in top 10 was like benda biasa lah juga at that time. And when I was in Form 2, I still remember that was the moment after the final exam results were out and I had some arguments with my two bestfriends. Haha, it was soooo childish to ingat balik sebenarnya lol. Aizaa dan Liyana couldn't make it for 3 Pintar for the next year but alhamdulillah I did. Oh mind you, Pintar is the first class in our school and we were placed according our exam's result and our position in batch, so top 30 will be in first class and so on. It hurt so bad when (I can't remember who (it's either Aizaa or Liyana)) said to me, 'Mai senang lah cakap, tak rasa turun kelas. Kitorang ni payah nak terima kot.' I was like whatttt, diorang ingat I suka ke -.- hahaha childish kannnn kitorang. Pastu macam gaduh sikit after tu okay je semua kawan je balik, sorry Aizaa and Yana, I dah maafkan you both hoping you both pun dah lupa pasal ni HAHAHAH.

And life goes on. We had our good PMR year and our PMR result was the best among all the SBP at that time, yeayyy Eldaterra number one! And here we go again, the moment of truth. For our next Form 4 year, we were placed according to our trial result which sadly, I was in 30 something place. Really, it hurt me sooooo bad that I can't really brain how I'm gonna live my life being in second class (lol over gila time ni bajet budak pandai haha). Sebab mostly my good friends semua stay je dekat kelas Pintar. But I still remember me, Tmad and Nani were moaning one day sebab kitorang turun kelas pastu sesedih haha over lagi, and macam hebat gila lah our batch sebab ramai yang naik class time tu! Then, life after tu sebenarnya bestttt sangatttt! I can say, being in 4 Usaha was one of my best memories in SSP! Kalau tak, tak baik dah dengan Anis, Dila, Nisa' and yang lain semua tu hihi.

Okay so here came my very (kot) worst time I had yang I rasa my life was a mess sangat time ni. I was elected as one of calon high committee for prefectorial board (which we call Top 5 for Head Girl and the gang). We had like one month of training period, banyak lah benda yang kena buat and kena suruh by seniors, prefects, previous Top 5 and teachers, yelah nak train jadi headgirl kan. And indeed, I had so much fun throughout the training period, sebab I learned banyak benda sebenarnya (and kena marah banyak juga dengan Top 5 lol).

We had interviews, camping and adalah lagi for evaluations. I was sebenarnya hoping for a position for Top 5 tu, tapi at that time, honestly me myself up till now still couldn't brain what really happened but my Form 4 year was indeed my worst year ever. My exam results was like the worst everrrr and I was this one time dapat nombor 70 something which ohmyyyy tu teruk gila sebenarnya for me. The year which I rasa I rajin dah study semua tapi teruk sangat result. Time Form 4 tu memang rasa macam tak tahu lah mana silap apa semua, tapi serious tak expect pun segala kejatuhan time tu. Basically tu lah time yang my world rasa macam terbalik apa semua, you know nak SPM kot the next year and my family memang pentingkan lah result bagai tu. At that time, rasa macam selalu sangat nangis sorang diri sebab sedih and frust semua huhu. So, the result for the evaluation was out, and I couldn't make it for any position pun, but that's okay, I rejected jugak sebab ingat lagi masa interview dengan Bonda, I told her I nak tarik diri sebab I nak focus study huhuhuhu lagi.

So, I was in 5 Restu for my Form 5 year. Azam tahun baru 2011 memang membara bara lah nak naik balik, and I was like hardworking and rajin gila time tu, semangat macam obor haaa gitu haha. Alhamdulillah, dapat balik rasa top 30 (at least) dalam batch, again dapat balik rasa straight A's for monthly exam, dapat rasa nombor satu dalam kelas and banyak je sebenarnya benda benda kecik yang I tak pernah sedar or perasan before ni yang sebenarnya taught me so much about life, pasal friendships, belajar kesusahan orang lain, who was really there for you masa tu and banyakkkk sangat lagi tak tershare dekat sini.

So, looking back at those times, I kinda feel good that I used to be at my worst darkest time but I managed to make a comeback, to move on and improved so much from how I was back then. Alhamdulillah for the chance, really. Walaupun it was just 'kejatuhan zaman sekolah zaman hingusan' but seriously I jatuh teruk time tu kottt (at least for me) and I naik balik tu dengan semangatnya yang tak stop fuhhhhh how innocent I was zaman dulu huhuhu.

Maka, Maisarah takde alasan nak bermuram durja bermalas malasan sebab Maisarah kena datangkan balik momentum yang lama yang pernah wujud ketika dulu kala haaaa! Selamat berjuang!

Sorry panjang pula cerita saya haha. Bye!

Meeting real patients!

Forth year of medschool, and I'm three weeks in. Dari hari first class and almost everyday, our lecturers keep reminding us how life's not gonna be easy after this, how committed we have to be towards our  job etc. Fuhhh, to be honest life is indeed hard and getting harder by day T.T

It feels so wrong to whine but sometimes I can't deny my feelings. No, there aren't any big things or major problems I have now to compare with some other unfortunate people, just some part of getting adapted I reckon. InshaAllah, we will all get better everyday. Medicine is all about knowledge, passion and most importantly, practice! But still, the problem I have to encounter everyday at the hospital is the non-understood words from the patients :( but hmmm okay, learn more and believe you can do this, Mai!

So, how's clinical life going on here? Well, to be honest during our pre clinical years, we rarely got classes for more than 5 hours per day but life's really changed now, we have to start our daily routines at 8 am everyday and end at 4pm!

Clinical life is basically one fun thing that medical students would look up to. I mean, it feels good when you are able to meet the real patients, talking to them asking their complaints, trying to diagnose the disease, reading patients' cases from the files and a lot more awesome things! Language is one thing, but what we mostly do is just taking as much as information we can get by history taking from the patients then go directly to our Jordanian friends (groupmates) for any non understood words or complaints, then discussing the case with them and tadaaaaa we are able now to understand the cases! It's tiring actually to talk while trying to figure out the words coming out from the patients, but it's okay, it trains our brain to 'multitasking' lol.

No other fancy things I would like to share for now, as I have to go study because introductory course examination is in one week time! Good luck for me and friends!

Bibliophile!

So hi! It's been ages since I last dropped anything good here. Maybe because I'm up to no good. Nah, kidding. I was having my great great one month (plus) holiday! I went to Turkey for 18 days, had so much fun there and got back in Jordan for the rest 3 weeks of holiday, and all I can say is I was having such a kind of holiday I always wanted though I know that'd be better if I were in Malaysia but hey, it's okay it's not that I haven't been home for more than 6 months, right?

What I really love about holidays is that I can enjoy all my nothing-to-do days at home in my very own way. And the best part is I can read as much books as I want! And I did quite well for this holiday, I read urmmm can't remember the number of books, but I enjoyed all the books! The number is not that matters, enjoying my readings does. It's soooo lovely that I don't have to rush reading the books and I can read them in my own ways every day every night. Ah, heavennn!

I don't really blame the medschool for my lack of time to spend for my self reading, it's just me who don't know how to allocate time strategically for studies and reading novels hmm. I envy some of my friends who can still read loads of non medical textbooks/notes even when we are in that pack-school-semester. My bad :(

I kinda love doing book reviews, but no maybe I'll just keep those reviews by myself cause I'm bad at giving reviews lol. And I'm excited that I'm now following numbers of book instagram-ers, they've got good feeds and they are all about books! Whoaaaa, envy envy envy cry cry huhu.

If I were to number books I've read, I can only say that I read much much more when I was in primary and high schools, to compare with these days. But it's okay the interest and hype is still here whenever I see books. Oh lastly, yeah by books I mean novels and young adults genre obviously cause I don't do mature serious reading haha. That's why (for whatever you might think of me) haha okay till then!

Getting into my first clinical year out of three in two days time inshaAllah :)

You design your life

Okay, let me be quite narcissistic this time. Hehe.

First, have this question to yourself, "Imagine your daughter/son dating someone exactly like you, are you okay with that?"

To be honest, my answer was "Weh, of course I feel gooooooooood if my son dating someone like me." Hahaha. tahu je bunyi macam I am good enough to berlagak. Good apa benda nya, compang camping lagi even dah nak masuk 21 tahun lol. But seriously, I don't think someone like me is that bad sampai I have to object my son dating/seeing someone exactly like his mother (me, at this age). Haha, true that no one is ever good enough, no one can really live up to one's expectation and if we really look for perfection, nah I don't think we can live in peace. Manusia tak pernah sempurna, dan kalau bukan kita yang rasa kita ni 'okay' (you define lah 'okay' tu macam mana, it's your life) then who else nak percaya dekat kita? A little narcissism won't hurt, instead kadang kadang boleh buat kita stand on our own errr takde idea nak explain more. Tapi, yes, jangan rasa diri teruk sangat, sebab kalau kita sendiri asyik nak jatuhkan diri sendiri, orang lain pun boleh kurang yakin / kurang percaya dengan kita, percayalah.

One good thing I can think of myself  right now (I hope this is not something you can cakap I ni perasan ke apa since I want others to have this 'good thing' too) is I don't like 'mainstreams'. Yes, I mean it. Macam, kalau boleh seboleh boleh nya taknak ikut what others do (tapi kadang kadang benda baik pun rasa mainstream pastu degil taknak ikut juga hahah). Tapi serious, ada time rasa macam teruk juga sebab bila that one thing becomes trend or a norm, rasa macam ketinggalan bila not being part of them.

Antara 'mainstreams' I chose not to do are ;

1. read what others read, this one sensitive sikit, so I biasanya ended up reading buku yang orang tak baca haha bukan nak jadi out of norm ke apa, tapi tak tertarik bila orang sekeliling ramai baca buku yang sama hehe

2. having goals other people have tak kisah lah in whatever aspect pun or in other words, admiring people tak kira celebrity atau public figure secara besar besaran (errrr) . or at least, I am not the type yang telling others my goals of life ke whatever, I prefer to keep all by myself (sebab mungkin banyak sangat or tak terfikir satu pun hahaha). So, you can barely see me tweeting or writing or even retweeting benda benda berkaitan life goals ke apa I can be like 'ewwww these people takde life sendiri ke nak ada goals yang ada dekat life orang lain' atau boleh jadi 'diorang ni yakin sangat ke nak life macam orang yang diorang admire tu, social media can deceive tho' sorry if it sounds jahat sikit

Hehe gurau je. Bukannya things I don't do ni, I don't like other people to do. I okay je kalau semua orang nak jadi 'mainstream' boleh lah I sorang je shine in my own way (haha nampak tak niat nak jadi rare tu). Lol, ini antara post tak function betul ni, macam takde point gila tulis benda benda ni tapi tahu je yang baca pun close friends je (jangan terasa kay).

And, one more thing about people complaining of 'jangan judge aku, kau tak tahu life aku bla bla bla' hmmm I am okay if you judge me, since I do expose some parts of my life dekat public so what do you expect people not judging you kan? Lek ah, kalau taknak orang judge diam je lah, tak payah update pasal life you banyak sangat dekat media sosial. Eleh, you pun judge orang kan? And I don't think it's a big sin pun as long as you tak keji the natural sifat dia, jangan keji mengutuk mengumpat, simpan sorang je judgment you tu okay?

Bye. Penat juga merepek sebenarnya. Haha.

Because it's once a year ..

Bismillah and Assalamualaikum :)

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal wa astaghfirullah. Just in a blink of eye, this holy month is coming towards its very end. Time sure moves so fast, kan? I hope it's not too late to reflect what we have done these past three weeks of Ramadan.

Updating status(es), tweet(s), instagram caption(s) with good deeds you have done is not a sin, but it's better to keep everything to yourself, at least that's what I think. But who knows, with few things you updated on your own social media give benefits to others. Maybe, those who read what you wrote (typed) become inspired to do those good things as well? In whatever we do, the main thing we have to be aware of is our 'niat' (intention), which of course should be kerana Allah semata mata so that semua yang kita buat tu tak sia sia. Sebab hidup ini seharusnya meant 'to impress God, not human beings', agree or not, that's it, that's what life is all about.

Jadi, seeloknya reflect diri sendiri balik, 'selfie' diri sendiri on setiap perkara yang you have done or not yet done. Yang semampunya, because as for me, ada je benda tak tercapai setakat ni (so sad, my bad) tapi untuk perkara yang mampu nak buat tu, pertingkatkan lah! And, since we are already in the very last phase of Ramadan, everyone is struggling to increase the numbers and quality of their own ibadah. Sebab Allah dah janjikan, our Prophet Muhammad dah sampaikan pada kita yang adanya suatu malam yang lebih baik dari seribu bulan pada 10 malam terakhir Ramadan. Siapa tak nak lepas peluang setahun sekali kan?

"Allah offer kita cukup baik punya ganjaran, takkan kita nak sia sia kan? Orang nak offer free free dekat kita 2700 ringgit, takkan kita nak ambik 100 ringgit je kan?" - Ummi.

Haritu masa I was home, Abah was back from work, he shared something he got from tazkirah at his workplace yang sounds lebih kurang macam ni :

"Kita sebenarnya tak boleh pastikan pun malam ganjil bila, sebab perkiraan kita tak berapa tepat dengan waktu sebenar sebab yang sebenarnya kita tak dapat pasti pun perubahan bentuk bulan yang sepatutnya jadi panduan kita. So, apa kita kena buat is to constantly buat apa yang kita aim nak buat time malam lailatul qadr tu, setiap malam cuba bangun malam, banyakkan doa."

Errr, faham tak apa yang saya faham? Haha, sorry kalau belit sikit ayat sebab tak reti nak explain in text. Tapi nak katanya lebih kurang macam sebenarnya perkiraan kita dalam takwim bulan Islam takde lah tepat sangat dan kita tak boleh jamin exact malam ganjil tu bila. Jadinya, kalau betul kita nak kejar ganjaran lailatul qadr tu, buat constantly ibadah tu kalau boleh setiap malam, jangan memilih malam ganjil as stated dalam takwim je untuk bangun malam beribadah. Faham kan, harapnya.

Kalau dulu zaman jahil lagi selalu fikir "Alah, haritu orang dah kecoh pasal lailatul qadr, tak perlu dah lah nak bangun beribadah next malam sebab dah jadi lailatul qadr haritu." Haaa, ini lah silap saya, nampak kan betapa lemahnya iman seorang hamba, sedangkan Allah lebih suka kalau kita buat benda biarpun sedikit asalkan istiqamah.

Wallahualam. Selamat meneruskan amal!
Salam and Hi.

Terasa macam nak drop things here. Alhamdulillah two weeks home and another few days left before going back to Jordan -.-

Sejak balik ni, ambik alih jadi supir Ummi ke hospital. Haritu Ummi showed her medical lab report and I studied the report. Dalam report tu cerita pasal excision buang tumor dengan very detailed siap ada gambar tumor yang dah excised tu (macam yang doctor selalu tunjuk dalam kelas pathology). Tak tipu, as a medical student, Maisarah sangat excited when it comes to benda yang dah belajar ni, rasa excited bila dapat tahu cases secara live depan mata, rasa nak tahu banyak lagi sebab ia berkait dengan orang terdekat.

From the report, barulah dapat figure out yang cancer Ummi sebenarnya is DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ) and the report says she was in stage 3. Her progress is quite good rasanya, she responded to the chemotherapy dengan bagus, tapi the side effects after setiap chemo tu ya Allah rasa macam tak sanggup pulak tengok Ummi sakit. But alhamdulillah, all the 6 sessions were completed successfully. Buat masa sekarang, Ummi just have to wait for calls from HUSM in Kubang Kerian untuk proceed radiotherapy pulak. As told by the oncologist, mungkin she has to spend one month in Kubang Kerian so Abah has to ambik cuti sebulan untuk teman Ummi dekat Kelantan sana. Sekarang Abah pun tengah sibuk nak cari rumah sewa.

Earlier today, teman Ummi pergi her last appointment jumpa oncologist dekat Hospital Kuala Terengganu. Excitement tu macam melampau sikit sebab boleh faham apa yang the doctor cakap hihi. Ummi was prescribed with tamoxifen (drug for breast cancer untuk suppress hormone estrogen) since Ummi's camcer was hormone positive. Tapi Ummi macam gerun sikit sebab kena ambik tamoxifen for five years, which sangat lama lah kan. Tamoxifen ni side effect yang paling boleh nampak is menopause syndromes. Tapi inshaAllah she can get through semua dengan baik, doakan.

So that's it. Doakan she will keep progressing in a good way. InshaAllah.

Doctor!

Hi! Tiba tiba tadi baca tweets from satu account medic ni pasal phlebotomy. And I suddenly brought myself back into those good times in UniKL MESTECH doing my first year MBBS. We did phlebotomy among classmates. Cuak tu memang yang amat lah, imagine macam kalau tersalah cucuk jarum dekat kawan sendiri pastu boleh jadi blood clot yang teruk ke chronic hemorrhage ke hihi biasa lah, first time kan.

So my partner at that time was Nusrah. Setakat yang ingat, rasanya we have to call our lecturer datang dekat untuk observe our steps pastu baru boleh proced ambik darah, sebab taknak lah main buat je. Antara me and Nusrah, I started first. Fuhhh, ikut steps yang Sir dah ajar awal kelas, bila rasa dah jumpa vein yang besar sikit, start sucking the blood like a vampire hahahaha. And yeah, alhamdulillah with only first try, I managed to suck darah tanpa bubbles (adanya bubbles sebab ter-drain angin sekali due to tak masukkan jarum betul betul) dalam syringe! The feeling at that time was soooooo hahah rasa macam dah boleh jadi doctor dah lol. Lagi seronok sebab Sir Najib sendiri yang cakap "Well done, Doctor Maisarah!". That was a good thing kot for a student bila lecturer cakap bagus (even though Sir cakap jugak dkt orang lain yang buat elok).

Then it came to Nusrah's turn. Kesian dia sebab she couldn't find any superficial vein on both of my arms. Maisarah kena cucuk berapa kali entah tapi Nusrah tak berjaya jugak drain any blood. Dua dua belah tangan, tiga empat kali jugak lah jarum masuk haha but tak sakit pun, suka je rasa thrilled yang entah apa apa masa tu. Orang lain tried pun tak berjaya jugak cari vein Maisarah. Sir Najib tried pun tak jumpa jugak, then he passed to Sir Hannan, tak berjaya jugak. Then I asked Sir kenapa tak jumpa was it because I have banyak sangat fat (hahahaha sedih gila time ni ingatkan gemuk) tapi Sir cakap bukan pun, sebab all my veins memang size kecik dan tak banyak yang superficial. Nasib baik, haha sebab rasanya tak gemuk pun. Tu macam normal jugak lah for me, sebab kalau nak pergi ambik darah dekat hospital pun memang selalu kena cucuk cucuk banyak kali sebab Doctors selalu susah nak cari vein yang dapat banyak darah.

So, that's it what I wanna share! Rasa macam first time jugak share benda belajar dekat sekolah doctor, sebab bukan jenis yang suka cerita pasal belajar sangat haha. Okay bye! I'm in my study week since finals is toooooo near. Doakan!

Lihat bintang di angkasa...

"Uish, segan gila nak dekat, budak sekolah agama kot."

Tak tipu, I have this kind of thought setiap kali jumpa sesiapa je that I know came from sekolah agama. Eh jap, kiranya start dekat UniKL lah ada this kind of thought, eh no, it started from UIA (okay, UIA kot). So, negative ke positive eh fikir macam ni?

Come to think of this, positif jugak lah kot. Seriously, I can't resist from rasa kagum (walaupun sikit) dekat sesiapa, I ulang, sesiapa dan semua yang came from sekolah agama. Walaupun dulu masa UPSR sekolah idaman adalah SHAMS (if you know sekolah apa lah). Cuma, Tuhan palingkan terus hati ni 360 darjah bila dah dapat offer Sekolah 'Satu Penduduk' (SSP). Gurau je, cuma nak cakap offer SSP datang dulu sebelum SHAMS, sombong sikit masa tu dah tak pandang offer letter SHAMS. Bukan pandang rendah pun, tak langsung.

Kenapa positif? Sebab this is a kind of expectation and judgment (okay judging orang bukan benda yang baik pun) yang bagus kot. As far as I know, surrounding sekolah agama ni sangat bagus lah, tak kira sekolah satu jantina ke sepuluh ke, at least diorang get exposed to muamalat dan life secara islamik nya tu. Takde lah nak kata sekolah sekular ni tak islamik, mana ada T.T kitorang pun ada jugak solat hajat setiap malam, baca mathurat, baca yassin, solat tarawikh tapi the amal(s) are just routine. Takde orang pun nak tegur secara serious how you should dress, macam mana nak bermuamalat dengan cara yang betul dekat luar sekolah, dengan lain jantina ke whatever. Eh, ustaz ustazah ada je *kot* cerita sikit, tapi mungkin sekadar syllabus atau students (including me) yang tak ambik cakna at all. Sebab apa? "Alah, kita bukan sekolah agama nak islamik lifestyle sangat."

Yes, those were all bad things or thoughts I had masa zaman sekolah. Eh jap, tapiiiii I still love my high school, sebab banyak je belajar pasal life, friendships, etc. so not that bad lah sekolah sekular pun (haha, nak jugak). It was just me lah being malas or tak cakna pasal Islam yang sebenar. Dan, kerana itulah expectation dan kekaguman seorang Maisarah terhadap rakan rakan atau sesiapa sahaja yang dari sekolah agama sangat sangat lah tinggi.

Betul je, ramai jugak admit yang bukan bermaksud sekolah agama, tu dah cukup nak kata she/he lives a very islamic lifestyle. Tahu je manusia tak semuanya sempurna (why so serious ah the usage of word?). In my defense, at least you guys di-exposed dengan banyak sangat benda yang berkaitan dengan Islam yang secara perfect-nya. For me, cool lah korang sebab muda muda dah macam tahu banyak benda pasal Islam ni, dan bertambah cool sebab korang boleh adapt dengan rules sekolah yang ke arah islamik style tu. I was and am always like 'fuyyyoooo hebat gila diorang kat sekolah boleh follow rules macam tu.' Err, kalau nak faham you can come (atau tanya myself) to my school and tengok rules kitorang pasal apa kebanyakannya. Well, maybe sebab kitorang semua 'hawa' hiks, so boleh excuse lah kan.

Okay, so what's my point sebenarnya? Hahahaha. tu je nak cakap. I have a very very high expectation towards semua yang came from sekolah agama tak kisah lah imtiaz ke, maahad ke, SBPI ke, sekolah agama kerajaan ke. Tapi, one thing kot I really hope from you guys, fahamilah kami yang kebanyakannya keluar sekolah masuk universiti baru didedahkan dengan lebih banyak tentang Islam yang sebenar. Tegur lah dengan penuh hemah sebagai seorang pelajar sekolah agama (haha, lekat dah ni label ni, well I'm labeling people, sorry tho). Oh but wait, since I have high expectation yang baik baik towards you guys, jangan pulak sangka buruk sangat dekat kitorang eh, ada je kan side baik from kitorang (please lah you can think one, at least haha).

Okay tu je, and kita ni dinilai oleh Tuhan je baik buruk. That's the most important thing to keep as a reminder, do good sebab Tuhan, and He will give good in returns.

"Sekolah mana pun kita, selagi mana namanya Muslim, kena jugak beramal dengan Islam. Belajar dan beramal. Semua orang sama je." - Cik X. Tapi tak setuju jugak part 'semua orang sama je', nak jugak bantah. Haha. Bye! Do good, be good! *Wink*

Clock's ticking, what I'm waiting for?


Okay. It took me five minutes staring at this blank page (screen) before I started to type the first word. Inferiority complex? What is that?

Based on what I found on merriam-webster, this is the definition ;

"an acute sense of personal inferiority often resulting either in timidity or through overcompensation in exaggerated aggressiveness"

Hmm, Maisarah perhatikan hidup sendiri. Atas bawah depan belakang staring at diri sendiri. Kenapa macam kurang (hanya nak sedapkan hati daripada guna 'langsung takde') self value. So, who am I now, today? Basically a medical student (well, not everyone gets the chance to do the thing I'm doing, okay I agree with you on that). Apa lagi? Basicnya, okay I am a sister, a daughter, a friend bla bla bla. Itu, semua orang pun ada posisi dalam circle masing masing.

You can tell kan I currently have a self destruction feeling which I am being insecure with my own life. I know, it's kind of a destructive emotion, but I have no idea how to get myself out of this thinking. Help! *brb crying*  Tengok masing masing di sekeliling ada kelebihan sendiri, tahan je dari menangis tak berlagu, lagu pun tak sudi nak iring tangisan, pathetic!

Bukan sekali dua datang feeling macam ni, tapi setiap kali 'dia' datang, Maisarah tak juga buat apa apa. The clock's ticking, and I am still waiting for a miracle to happen. No, don't make it sound pathetic to you walaupun sebenarnya it absolutely is. Dah 20 tahun hidup, tapi apa pun Maisarah tak mampu buat lagi. Sedih jugak, eh sedih banyak lah, kasihan pun ada sebab masih mencari identiti dan kelebihan diri sendiri. Bukan nak tunjuk dekat orang pun, cuma nak ada satu benda yang boleh buat rasa lebih baik, nak ada perasaan puas bila buat suatu perkara tu.

To everyone, I am absolutely nothing good kan? Haha. Takpe lah, redha je.

Lucky you if you have that one thing you know you are good at.

To not be inferior does not mean to be superior, no? Wish me luck in life! May I found something good about myself suatu hari nanti.



It was one time last year I started to think that life principle(s) is/are nonsense. Oh wait, don't get me wrong, I might have said it in a wrong way that you're about to oppose everything I'm gonna say now haha. And I actually (to be honest) have no idea how to put this thing in words.

I found something pretty cool yet simple to absorb here, that I searched before I decided to write things here, basically my Reference. It's true that we must have at least one life principle that we should always look up whenever something happen to us, so that we have something to hold on to keep us moving or living or whatever that suits. Well, this is what everyone (maybe not) said.

My points would be, okay let me give you an example. Hmm, bayangkan selama hidup ni kita dah berpegang dengan satu prinsip hidup contohnya, 'buat baik perpada pada, buat jahat jangan sekali', tapi boleh tak kalau nak kata yang there will be times yang kita tak boleh nak amalkan atau berpegang to this konon-life-principle? Ni contoh yang tak berapa baik lah, sebab ni je yang terfikir buat masa sekarang. I have lots lots more dalam kepala tapi tak boleh keluarkan, ah screw you memory consolidation!

Because it happened to this particular person that I know who had been holding to this one life principle (not the example I gave previously), ada suatu masa dia kena give up dengan segala yang dia berpegang tu, sebab bukan semua situasi berpihak atau boleh dirujuk kepada perkara yang dia pegang lama tu.

Things are not that simple, but I'm making it as simple as I want because the longer I write, the complicated it would turn out. Haha so what and why am I talking about this? Basically to state that, ermm bukanlah jangan ada life principle, but it's totally fine to live without one. Perkara dan situasi yang kita akan lalui takkan pernah sama, dan bagi yang menulis ni, tak pernah ada satu pegangan yang teguh pun (excluding pegangan agama - which I (We) must indeed have a strong faith in God, rukun iman kena teguh lah) sebab for me, to hold on for something that tight macam limitkan your thinking or anything lah. It's kinda restricting you untuk think out of the box which eventually will make you creating more mistakes in life. I don't know, I'm nobody to judge anybody. Sorry, I'm just trying to be out of norm. I'm trying that hard, huh? Haha pity me. Bye!


What will you do when you feel sad?

To be honest, I don't understand myself very well. In my point of view, I do think I am that type of girl who keeps sending others motivational words and quotes on being positive etc but me myself feel bad about life almost everyday. Sigh.

But I guess this is just part of growing up. Haha, the irony. Growing up should mean we know how to control our feelings but why am I saying this kind of attitude of mine is part of growing up? Lol, whatever. I don't mind how you think of me from all my own craps. Please laugh at my lame jokes, please ha ha ha.

Again, I was attacked by this monster that I call 'sadness pill' earlier tonight. I tried to look for the reasons, but they didn't seem any solid one. Surely, something is happening that somehow contributed to all these monsters attacking me tonight. Maybe, I overthink. Then, I realised that I should know well how to handle this kind of unstable emotions. Until when should I feel good then sad then good again then back to being sad. That's pathetic you know, and I don't want to feel so. I want to at least know what to do if I suddenly being attacked again. Do you mind to share any of your tips to overcome sadness that seems not real to be felt so, frankly?

Luckily I have good friends around me who constantly being soooo 'jaga tepi kain orang' punya perangai. Hahaha, that should be a compliment. They sure will come to realise whenever I feel bad about myself. Like what just happened less than half an hour before I started writing this, I just got a text message to open my house door and look what's waiting for me outside. And tadaaa, a very sweet friend of mine left or hanged at the door a plastic bag with a bar of chocolate. She told me she actually bought that for her own therapy but she thought that I need it more. Urgh, why are there so many good people in this world? I'm blessed, totally. Even when I know there are still people who continuously making me feel bad about myself even more, but yeah let's eliminate those people shall we? Haha.

I come across few tips that I think I finally found out ways to at least help me to slowly get rid of all these bad feelings. Let's start listing down tips!

1. Think of all good people around you. If you can't think of any, try to flashback any random people who had done good deed to you, perhaps who helped you in any small things that you didn't expect helps from anyone but they did? There must be at least one person, right?

2. Open your journal, diary or anything that you wrote motivational quotations copied from whatever sources. If you don't have one, try to read back texts or messages or notes that anyone ever gave you, written there good wise words of wisdom. I just opened a piece of love letter from my senior, indeed it helped boosting my mood back again.

3. When you feel sad, give other people reason to feel good. Just now, I texted one of my friend, I randomly sent her few sayings on how to become strong and passionate about living, even me myself was feeling worse. With Allah's will, you surely will find the happiness by making others feel good.

I have no idea to continue the list. I tried to read novel, but the mood is not there so it doesn't really help (at least for tonight). In a nutshell, I think it's totally fine to feel sad sometimes because God created us with feelings, He gave us those good and bad feelings. But what we gotta do is to find solutions on how to feel and regain happiness and appreciate life even more.

I would love to know what you guys do when you feel sad, you mind to share with me any? :')

POST SPM RESULTS ; TO STUDY MEDICINE?

Assalamualaikum :)

Keputusan SPM 2014 dah pun diumumkan dan tahniah untuk semua! And I can tell that everyone of those SPM leavers are currently doing calculations on pursuing studies; what course to be taken, which university, which country. So, basically as for me, I would love to hear you guys telling me you're going to do medicine! Yes, you are absolutely welcomed to this line. I do agree with some of my colleagues who said 'Tak payah lah ambik medic, buat sakit kepala,' 'Medik ni takde life,'. True that, doing medicine (dentistry also) is a very tough thing, you have to commit to your studies over every other things. But why should I object your passion and interest, no? If you really insist on doing medicine, then just go! You must have heard from seniors or even your own family that being a doctor is not easy, the journey takes you to give all out in life, sacrificing teenage lives and etc. Then, as for me you know it's not an easy thing and you still being passionate on being one, so why not? You must have a strong heart and soul because you know hard things await you along this line.

As an already third year medical student (inshaAllah), I am going to tell you that it takes a very very very strong person with a big soul to be a doctor. Throughout my three years (two and half to be exact) of studying; bad results, all those cries and regrets do come almost every time in my life. I have to realise that I was no longer in high school where getting straight A's is not that hard. No! I'm in medical school where even getting 70 for a subject is like a rare thing to happen (at least to me). Haha, what you have to do is be strong, get up and have the will to do better and yes, do better everyday and get better all the time! You have to have the real passion or else, I tell you ; you are wasting your life on an extremely challenging thing. And, ada je those yang quit medical school sebab di tengah tengah jalan, they found out medical line doesn't suit them. It's okay, kadang kadang kita tak jumpa the real jalan lagi, so bila ada peluang kita cuba. Kadang kadang kita jumpa passion sebenar tu lambat, dan it's totally fine, life is about learning and trying new things.

How to continue studying in Jordan?
Well, to be honest if you want to do medicine, I suggest you not to further to countries that are using foreign language (Arabs especially). Negara yang guna English is exceptional. Betul je, belajar bahasa tu bagus, cuma kalau rasa diri tak kuat untuk hari hari stress dengan locals yang tak tahu bercakap dalam English dan tak faham what they talk about, you better don't lah. Sebab as for me, alahai dah berapa kali menangis sebab susah nak communicate dengan Arabs here in Jordan. I learned Arabic Language in high school for 4 years tapi macam tak berguna langsung sebab yes, kat sekolah belajar a very basic level, haha. But if you insisted, then go apply for MARA Program Ijazah Luar Negara (PILN) yang ada pilihan untuk Medicine / Dentistry for 6 and 5 years respectively. You guys will be doing preparation for about 3 months in INTEC (International Education College) then bila dah lulus prep, inshaAllah direct fly to Jordan dan hidup lah di sini for 6 or 5 years depending on the course taken. But one thing I'm very sure; you will end your medical school earlier if you are in Jordan (or Egypt) since you will not have to take one or two year preparation such as A-level or IB. So, for those who can't afford to spend longer time for preparation (but they are good from what I can see, really), choose middle east then!

Oh, I would love to invite you to read one of my favourite MARA essay (not mine of course). Jangan tiru, tapi baca lah to give you exposure or details what to write or what to tell the interviewer later. InshaAllah membantu. Here the MARA essay click the word sample - ( SAMPLE ).

The conclusion is, pilih course yang paling sesuai dengan diri you. Tak kisah lah di mata orang lain nampak macam mana pun, tapi you are what you do, you akan nak kerja dan hidup dengan apa yang you study. So, good luck on making decision! Do good, be good :)


Manisnya Ujian Tuhan

Masih pagi, awal pagi yang sepi. Masing masing masih mencari kekuatan untuk bangkit dari tilam empuk. Saya dah pun selesai sarapan, hihi a morning person katanya.


25 Disember 2014.

Anakanda ini dikhabarkan berita mengejut dari ayahanda. Khabarnya, bonda sedang di hospital, baru selesai menjalani pembedahan kecil. Allahu, boleh bayang tak perasaan anakanda ini bila berita itu disampaikan? T.T tanpa berfikir apa pun, laju tak berhenti air mata mencurah curah di pipi. Rasa berdosa, rasa tak berguna. Bonda sendiri pun tidak diambil tahu khabarnya. Disalahkan diri sendiri, sebab memang pun seminggu itu anakanda ini disibukkan dengan kerja persatuan, tapi peringatan penting buat anakanda ini, jangan sampai terlupa bonda dan ayahanda. Jangan sampai sehari terlepas bertanya khabar. Silap aku di situ, diakui dan dikesali.

Tapi, kata ayahanda, bonda yang mengelak untuk mengkhabarkan berita ini kepada anakanda, bimbang anakanda terganggu studynya. Pembedahan bonda katanya nak remove lump in her left breast. Dan, masih tidak diketahui penyakit yang dihadapi bonda. Kata mereka, doakan saja yang terbaik.

Terganggu emosi anakanda ini mengacarakan majlis besar pada malamnya. Tapi, alhamdulillah dengan team mates yang sangat supportive, berjaya majlis itu sejayanya.

Hari hari berlalu, tanpa berita yang sahih dari ayahanda bonda. Cuma, mereka katakan semuanya baik baik, jangan dirisaukan mereka di sana.

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Beberapa hari sebelum peperiksaan akhir semester, kami dikhabarkan peperiksaan ditangguh, untuk masa yang agak lama, dek cuaca sejuk dan salji yang bakal turun. Pengumuman itu di siangnya, dan tepat sebelum tidur, tanpa niat serious, try lah check flight ticket ke Malaysia dan surprisingly, harga ticket menggugat menarik tangan ini untuk pulang. Dan, yes flight ticket dibeli awal pagi esoknya dan penerbangannya di waktu malam harinya.

11 Januari 2015.

Tiba di bumi Terengganu tercinta. Hampir menangis kegembiraan melihat wajah wajah kesayangan anakanda.

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Hari hari di rumah, melihat dan belajar mendalami ayahanda bonda. Jujur, diri ini tidak 'bercuti' mana, cukup sekadar di rumah dekat dengan keluarga, melakukan apa yang patut.

Bonda tidak lah sekuat dahulu. Bonda tak lagi ke sekolah untuk mengajar, bonda tidak lagi melakukan kerja kerja rumah, bonda makanannya sendiri pun disediakan ayahanda. Dan, sememangnya ayahanda memang bertugas memasak di rumah, sejak dulu kala lagi.

Bonda tak lagi makan menu yang sama dengan kami, menu harian beliau ; ikan dimasak sup atau panggang atau rebus bersama nasi dan sayuran yang banyak. Minumnya juga jus buah buahan yang dikatakan anti-oxidant. Tiap pagi, petang dan malam, ayahanda terutamanya tanpa jemu tanpa lupa, blend buah untuk dibuat jus minuman untuk bonda. Nampak simple tugasan ini, tapi anakanda ini sendiri pun selalu terlupa jadual makan minum bonda. Loser kan diri ni? :(

Dalam seminggu, ada dua atau tiga kali bonda dan ayahanda ke hospital untuk appointment dengan oncologist. Dan suatu malam, waktu cuma anakanda ini dan bonda di rumah, bonda khabarkan realiti yang cukup mampu mebuatkan anakanda ini hiba setiap kali terkenangkan momen itu. Khabar beliau, pakar dah pun sahkan beliau menghidap breast cancer. Maaf bagi yang bertanya stage cancer bonda, sebab anakanda ini sebenarnya tidak sanggup bertanya, diri ini hanya mampu mendengar, dan yang difahami bonda ada sebut malignant, wallahualam. Malam itu juga, bila ayahanda sudahpun pulang dari kerja, ditanyakan kepada diri ini pendapat untuk bonda teruskan rawatan chemotherapy atau biarkan sahaja bonda begitu. Tentu sahaja sebagai pelajar medik, anakanda ini memilih chemotherapy. Bonda kata, dia takut, takut tak cukup kuat untuk segala kesan chemotherapy. Tapi, itu sahaja solusi yang tinggal untuk memanjangkan kelangsungan hidup paling kurang, solusi untuk memastikan terhapus cell jahat dalam badan bonda.

Dan, dalam hiba malam itu juga, ayahanda mengatakan janji yang cukup menambah hiba namun bahagia diri ini mendengarnya, kata ayahanda, "Kan dah berjanji masa kahwin, susah senang, macam mana keadaan Ummi pun Abah terima seadanya." Ah, bahagianya jiwa ini, mengetahui yang ayahanda pasti tidak akan tinggalkan bonda, dan pasti kekal cekal semangat di saat bonda jatuh lemah semangat, tidak berdaya fisikal mahupun emosi.

Terbuki, memang ayahanda sangat cekal jiwanya, tanpa penat lelah berulang alik ke hospital, melakukan kerja rumah, di masa yang sama tak lekang dengan tugasan pejabat, anakanda ini bangga, anakanda ini terharu dan bersyukur yang amat, dikurniakan ayahanda yang hebat ini :')

Sejak pulangnya anakanda ke bumi Jordan, baru sekali bonda menjalani rawatan chemotherapy, dan yang dikhabarkan dinda, bonda semakin kelihatan lemah, tanda tanda pesakit yang menjalani chemotherapy semakin terlihat pada diri bonda. Sedih dan menyayat hati melihatkan bonda yang terpaksa merasa sakit itu, melihat bonda yang tidak kuat itu. Tapi diri ini dipujuk Tuhan yang Maha Pengasih, Tuhan dah pun berjanji kesakitan di dunia ini cuma sementara, sebagai ujian untuk hambaNya ke syurga. Dan anakanda ini yakin, bonda dan ayahanda yang cekal semangat, yang tak mengeluh bila diuji, bakal diganjarkan syurga tertinggi, inshaAllah, anakanda ini sentiasa mendoakan.

Untuk saat ini, hanya itu yang mampu diceritakan. Sekadar berkongsi cerita, dan semoga jiwa yang membaca terpanggil untuk mencari hikmah inshaAllah.

Cuma satu, anakanda ini sangat merasakan ujian buat ayahanda bonda kali ini, merupakan salah satu jalan nikmat juga buat mereka berdua, kerana ujian ini mampu bonda dan ayahanda terima dengan lapang dada, malah makin mereka dekatkan diri dengan Tuhan. Manisnya ujian Tuhan :')

Februari 22.



Jawapan

Bismillah.

Menyedari tulisan sendiri bukan lagi memberi inspirasi (hatta pada diri sendiri), maka diri ini dengan penuh semangat menanam azam untuk kembali bangkit menjadi seorang Maisarah yang dulu, yang konon setiap perkataan yang terzahir mampu memberi makna, bukan cuma manifestasi rasa sendiri yang tak berpenghujung.

Betapa lah Tuhan yang satu itu Maha Pengasih, setiap persoalan hamba-Nya dibalas terus (bukan sekali dua, malah dah berkali kali pun). Dan, bagi aku itu sudah pasti suatu nikmat seorang hamba. Dihantarkan jawapan untuk setiap persoalan yang menjengah di benak fikiran, dalam bentuk ucapan manusia, mahupun fikrah yang secara perlahan menjelma dalam jiwa. Alhamdulillah untuk itu. Dan kerana jawapan jawapan yang telah diperlihatkan Tuhan, aku terasa untuk berkongsi, paling tidak sebagai bacaan aku di kala aku (bakal) tertanya mahupun 'jatuh' nanti.

Dalam tulisan lepas, aku secara santainya menyatakan pendirian untuk 'stay' (kalau nak faham, boleh cari post di bawah) dan membiarkan manusia manusia baik di sekeliling sebagai permata mahupun kaca, yang akan aku guna hanya bila perlu.

Lalu Tuhan mentakdirkan aku untuk merasai pengalaman berprogram 'islamik' yang pada asalnya aku sangat merasakan keterpaksaan untuk menyertainya, tapi demi kepercayaan untuk setiap hikmah yang bakal Tuhan hadiahkan, ku gagahkan jua kaki ini, paling tidak sebagai pemberat timbangan untuk ke syurga nanti. Dan paling banyak diceritakan tentang 'perubahan', ditayangkan gambaran keindahan syurga dan bidadari bidadari yang paling kurang, membuat jiwa aku cemburu, dan sedikit timbul rasa obsesi syurga itu, walau tidak di tahap mereka yang obsesinya tergambar dalam setiap amal. Dan mereka katakan, mereka kongsikan segala perit payah untuk kaki ini sampai ke syurga, tak mampu lah nak peroleh yang indah kalau diri sendiri berlagak kaku di tempat sendiri, menanti yang didamba datang bergolek. Dushh, tertumbuk diri ini, tertunduk malu sendiri. Mahu syurga, tapi mahu kekal di takuk lama?

Apa guna mempertahankan prinsip diri yang tak membina, yang mungkin dalam jangka masa singkatnya memberi bahagia namun untuk di akhir usia nanti, memakan diri sendiri.

Diceritakan lagi tentang ukhuwah, lagi jatuh terjelopok diri ini. Malu, segan, tertampar (panas pipi terasa). Betapa diri sendiri memilih erti dan definisi ukhuwah itu sampai ada yang digolongkan permata, kaca, berlian. Bukankah manusia itu sama? Dan sepanjang kehidupan seorang 'aku' ni, apa yang telah aku hadiahkan untuk setiap ukhuwah yang konon aku dah bina? Ataupun, selama ini bukan ukhuwah pun yang terbina, mungkin cuma hubungan yang tak bernilai di sisi Tuhan. Faghfirli, moga sahaja yang selama ini tidak sia sia.

Betapa hidup aku ni terlalu mencari bahagia dunia, aku sendiri hilang nilai sebagai seorang sahabat. Mungkin aku cuma sebagai watak yang mengisi kehidupan mereka, tapi tiada erti ukhuwah pun yang aku zahirkan sebagai sahabat mereka. Dalam yang dikongsi, ada diselitkan peranan dan nilai ukhuwah itu, dan sejujurnya jauh benar aku dari segala parameter yang ditetapkan itu. Terfikir sendiri, tertunduk hiba, memikirkan betapa tidak membei nilai diri ini kepada manusia di samping, khususnya buat mereka yang aku gelar (kononnya) teman baik.

Malu bertimpa lagi bila saat diceritakan segala kisah ukhuwah itu, yang di sisi teman baik sendiri. Saat itu, terasa mahu berlari jauh, mahu menghilangkan diri. Malu, malu dengan saudari yang di sisi (Cik L lah sebagai pengenalan). Maafkan aku, kalau memang selama ini aku bukan di sisi sebagai pemberat timbangan ke syurgamu, maafkan kalau yang aku zahirkan dalam ukhuwah kita sebagai penyeri dunia semata.

Sampai ke hari ini, mencari nilai dalam diri, harapnya ada juga yang mampu dizahir, sebab seorang Maisarah ini tak mampu untuk menjadi penyeri dunia semata, takut jiwa ini nanti merana kerana jengkel perasaan sendiri.

Rasanya tak tersampai maksud hati. Hmm. Kaitannya apa ya? Tak mengapa, moga tulisan ini mampu menyedarkan diri sendiri, jangan bongkak lagi. Hidup ini berTuhan, kau tak mampu hidup sendiri, wahai jiwa yang dipinjamkan Tuhan. Bangun dari mimpi, iman pun harap dah di-recharged bermula saat itu. Dan terima kasih untuk setiap jiwa yang dah menyentuh jiwa keras ini, dari Tuhan juga datangnya semua itu.

:)

Februari 10.

Normal


There comes one point in my life where I think I don't want to change anything about myself. Which, I know I'm not even an inch close to perfectness or even good, but can I stay just how I am now? I have no idea how this thing comes into my mind, but I just have this one thought that 'staying' would do great to me. I still can live well even though I don't make any change, no?

Maybe, but yea I don't know. Hmm I got influenced or affected by some people around me, who are absolutely perfectly way better than me. If I have to compare, those people and I are hmmm maybe nothing in similar. Since I used to think that I have to make some efforts to get better, to improvise my own self, then I tried. I tried to do what they do, not all but few steps. And you know what? I am still way behind, it's like I'm the only one who missed the train because I walked too slow. Yes, I know, you might say, take little steps and later on you may follow bla bla bla. But urgh, I can't take this anymore. I can't even put myself anywhere around them, not even behind them. I know which circle I can fit in, so maybe I should back off. But obviously they won't let me go. That's why I come across this 'stay' version of mine, which my body might still be there but my mind and thinking will definitely stay where I should be, at least some place where I can fit in very well.

They say, appreciate good people around you because they are hard to come. But not every good people can help, in my own definition of help. I'm not being choosy over some people, no, at least I tried not to, but I just try to group all people around me based on my needs. You get me? Or to be exact, I group them into few circles ; whom I need to keep them close to my heart, whom I know they will help when I need helps etc. I'm not letting them go, but to keep them in their own special place. I'm not a hater, I know. Haha.

So, I will stay. At least for some time now. I'm not gonna care how you think of me, I will ask for help from Him. I know He is the best to guide me, we know that don't we? Then, pray for me, that I (you and I) will meet again in jannah :')

February 3.