#5

(Early warning. This post is a bit an emotional, personal rant; not going to benefit people like YOU)

Because there's so much things in my head i feel like it's gonna explode soon. But no, it won't cause i'm not ready to lose my mind, so i won't let it happen (for the time being at least). I will stand still. To keep thinking, to keep moving on just the way I wanted it to happen.

There will be moment when you can't think of anything good but one thing -- thing you've been wondering since long time ago and now it comes again. bothering you.

Sebab sentiasa rasa nak gembirakan semua orang. Rasa nak bagi semua orang rasa dihargai, disayangi. I know that feeling bila kadang rasa macam 'Oh, aku dah tak dihargai pun ke.' So yeah, I don't wanna let people around me to ever feel that way.

(Paused cause I don't exactly know what I wanted to tell from the start -.- )

'Come fly with me, into a fantasy'

Verse ni macam bagi suatu cahaya, suatu harapan. Yang ada lagi 'life' yang lebih baik from apa yang we already have right now. Fantasy seems to be 'something' or 'a place' or 'a timezone' where we can be and do whoever whatever we wish to.

Because I used to be someone who speak-ed out everything I wanted. Luah segala perasaan. Oh, I still am pun (kot). Tapi sekarang kena fikir. Betul ke apa yang aku nak cakap atau cerita? Won't it annoy the persons I look up? Sebab aku hidup dengan bercerita apa yang aku rasa, sebab aku hidup dengan berterus terang. Dan membesar -- aku belajar aku tak boleh cerita semua benda. Bukan setiap yang aku rasa perlu aku cerita pada orang. Tapi tapi, percayalah susah untuk aku buat begitu -- tidak bercerita, diam memendam rasa. Even kalau rasa sedih pun nak bagitau. No, my definition of 'bercerita' is not directly saying what I feel. Cumanya macam sekarang, aku hanya rasa nak terus menaip papan keyboard ni tanpa arah tuju, hanya sebab ada perasaan kurang senang dalam diri. They call me an avid 'twitter', yeah I deny not. Because that's exactly how I always wanted to be. Not to let others know my life inside out, honestly not. Cuma, by doing that I feel better. K, I know that cliche' verse 'Sedih hati cerita je lah dekat Tuhan'. Aku tahu lah, tapi tak salah kot kalau aku express my feelings in words. Should I even care what others think of me by what I did? Persetankan. Moga moga saja lah bukan yang menyesatkan yang aku express kan. Sebab aku pun masih tahu batas agama, moga tak tersasar lagi. Call me keras kepala person, and again I never deny this. I'll do what I want, and I won't make an effort on things I dislike.

Tapi. sentiasa ada masa. Bila aku hampir 'terlalu ke hadapan', ada suara yang retract aku -- suruh aku berfikir dan hentikan langkah aku untuk bertahan di tempat asal sedikit masa lagi. Dan, aku memang kekal kaku. Jasad bergerak tapi jiwa tak mampu buat apa pun. Sebab ada suara yang kata, 'Kau tunggu dan perhati dulu. Kalau memang nak jadi, jadi jugak benda tu.' Tapi, sampai bila nak tunggu untuk 'terlalu ke hadapan' tu? Bukankah kalau aku tak mulakan langkah, memang takkan terlangkah pun? Macam mana aku nak ubah benda yang aku langsung tak confront? Seems legit. Tapi, biar lah. Aku dengar kata manusia yang menyayangi aku.

Moga saja kalau aku bertahan, mampu juga aku sampai sana di akhirnya. Walaupun tipis harapan, mungkin 0.01 peratus. 'Tuhan kan ada, Tuhan kan tahu, Tuhan kan perancang terbaik.' Terus lah aku membina iman terhadap Tuhan.

Apa lah yang aku tulis.

Biasalah, gadis bawah umur. Moga Tuhan jaga kau, setiap saat.

Favourite tweet aku malam ni, "sebab sayang gila nak mampus tak boleh move on *sumpah lacrimal gland bocor malam ni"

Yang aku tweet pukul 12 am 27 Ogos 2-14.




Feelings

I got to think for hundred times before I finally decided to write this post. I don't know, but somehow I think it's immature to post about feelings on social media (twitter is exceptional). I'm sorry tho if this post is going to annoy you or whatever because I just feel like writing what I currently feel.

Growing up is totally not an easy thing to deal with. Growing up means you will have weird feelings most of the time, where you will start having crushes, favourite persons from different genders. I don't know others, but in some ways I feel uneasy to have these kind of feelings. It does disturb me sometimes. But they said, we are all grown up, those are common things to experience. Oh wait, why am I saying these things? Urgh, I even get annoyed with myself.

I'm not saying it's a sin to have feelings and so. But we have to deal with it professionally. Don't let your feelings ruin your life. There's a lot of people out there do silly stupid immoral things for the sake of love or whatever feelings (even hatred is a feeling, no?). Can't they think wisely? And some people say, you will get blinded by love. Oh how funny that is. You blinded yourself! Do it right, there's no such rule as you have to follow and do whatever you think you want for you to get love. You get me? I don't know how should I explain this in a good way to make it understandable. My bad, I'm sorry.

When it comes to love, yes I have to agree. I'm such a girl with a loving heart (okay I have to laugh HAHA), no what I mean is that I can easily fall for people around me. I mean, I just love anyone no matter who he/she is, how long I know that person. And I found no reason for not loving people you claim as friends, family or whatever you call them. There are even few people start claiming myself as weird for me to easily say 'I love you' or 'I like you' to anyone. Come on, there's no wrong doing so, right? I lovveee telling people how much I love them so that they know there are people who love them. Yea, because I need that kind of confession too. There will be times when you feel very bad and the world seems keep tumbling down, then there comes someone telling you they love you. Isn't that sweet? Haha. So, I really hope you won't feel bad if I'm such a freak for keep saying 'I love you I like you' or so at someone. But I don't really practice that now, not like when I was in high school back then haha. It's weird for people to always get misunderstood when it comes to different-gender-friendship-loves. Everyone should be more open minded. Does it have to be couple-love for a girl saying I love you or I like you at a boy? Nah, I always believe in friendship-love. And as for me, it's totally fine to say the 'love phrase' even to your different gender best friend. But yes, I have to agree not everyone thinks like the way I do. So I should have not do what people don't. Sorry, our world is a total different.

Another thing to talk about feelings. There will also times when you feel uncertain with what you feel. You are not certain whether you are feeling right or what. That's why, you have to turn to Lord, ask guidance from Him cause He always knows what's good or what's bad for us.

Thank you for reading. I'm open for advises.

Into A Fantasy


I have a dream you are there
High above the clouds somewhere
Rain is falling from the sky
But it never touches you
You're way up high
No more worries, no more fears
You have made them disappear
Sadness try to steal the show
But now it feels like many years ago
And I'll, I will be with you every step
Tonight, I found a friend in you
And I keep you close forever
Come fly with me
Into a fantasy, where you can be
Who ever you want to be
Come fly with me
We can fly all day long
Show me the world, sing me a song
Tell me what the future holds
You and me will cave it all in gold.


Official soundtrack for 'How To Train Your Dragon 2'. I love the lyrics so much I can't stop myself from keep singing the song. The lyrics say it all.